... is no joke. I can't even imagine nor will I pretend to know what postpartum depression is like. All I can say is that I'm thankful and lucky that my baby blues didn't spiral into something more serious and long-term. I'm sure not sleeping for two nights in a row at the hospital didn't help, but it wasn't just the exhaustion, it was that mixed with an emotional state that I've never felt before. I felt empty inside, eyes blank, as if someone sucked the life out of them. Although I was able to care for Emma - I breast fed, changed diapers, gave her sponge baths... none of it felt right, I felt more like a programmed heartless robot and none of it felt natural. I remember staring out into space a lot and random thoughts would enter my mind like summer is over, soon the leaves will fall and all this green will turn into a yucky brown... then I would bust out crying. Or I would be carrying Emma and I'd look at her in awe I can't believe you came out of me! and again start to cry. It was like my mind couldn't handle feelings (both happy and sad), like a screw was loose in my head and it couldn't properly filter through the flood of emotions that I was feeling. I couldn't even explain it to Hillsy - poor guy thought I was losing it.
One of the nurses at the hospital discussed baby blues and PPD - so I knew that the symptoms were similar, I just had to keep an eye out on how long I felt the symptoms for (no more than two weeks). By the time week two came along I started to feel more like myself again (hallelujah). What a relief since I was seriously starting to think that I was on my way to postpartum depression. My appetite was back, I was finally returning phone calls, I was no longer crying (at least not from sadness) and the thought of being alone with Emma no longer put me over the edge. Don't get me wrong, her shrilling cries still bring me to tears sometimes but I no longer feel like a helpless robot. Everyday I feel a little more confident... I can do this!
Milestones this month:
she slept from midnight to 6am straight!!, smiling (and I'm pretty sure it's not gas), back to her birth weight and then some, is one inch longer, has discovered her hand and is starting to soothe herself by sucking it, moved up to size 1 diapers, finally using her bouncy chair and the baby bjorn.