Monday, November 5, 2007

100% Freedom Suffocates?

I had one of my typical breakdowns yesterday, where I spend anywhere from a couple of hours to a half of a day pouting around, head down with shoulders slumped. This sort of day is an unfortunate bi-product of leading the life that I've recently signed up for. Fortunately for me, I'm not alone in this adventure (thanks babe) and after talking about it for a couple of minutes - I had a plan of action and was feeling ten times better.

What causes the the pouting? It's an overwhelming feeling... a huge amount of pressure to BE something, a nagging voice (but sensible) that reminds me over and over again that NOT receiving a nice hunk of change every other week is somehow NOT a good idea. An overall what the hell are you doing? feeling suddenly comes over me.

I was feeling unfocused, like I was doing everything and nothing. But then another sensible voice (a real one this time) assured me that all I had to do was continue doing things that made me happy and the FOCUS part that I so long for will happen automatically, almost magically.

So, I decided to add a little bit of structure to my current schedule. Meaning, I need to be more accountable with how I spend my days so weeks just don't fly by and I'm left feeling unaccomplished. Since there are currently two front-runners to "what's next" - making things and/or opening up a shop, I decided that I need to allocate days where I spend the entire day working towards those goals. It's not like I've been sitting on my ass for the past 5 months, but the absolute freedom (if you can believe it) is actually suffocating. The fact that I can choose to spend the entire day on the computer or spend five hours embroidering a flower on an envelop or cook a three-course meal on ANY given day is too crazy for me. I hate to admit it, but I do need some sort of structure or else I feel too scattered.

So, I'm drafting a schedule that can challenge me without constraining me too much that I go completely AWOL. I plan to have "workshop" days, where I dedicate the entire day to my crafts and limit my blog postings for the day. I'll also aim to have weekly goals and daily TO DOs (which I already do but I'll create a more formalized process instead of my current sticky note method).

I was quite an organized worker-bee. So, I guess you can take me out of corporate but you can't take the corporate out of me =)

No comments: